Recently, the 21-year-old game booster "Fat Cat" tragically ended his life by jumping into a river in Chongqing. This incident has sparked heated discussions online.
Recently, there have been reports online stating that the case related to Fat Cat has been officially handed over to the public security authorities.
The death of the fat cat is closely related to his "girlfriend" and "relationship," details of which need to be confirmed by the public security authorities. However, based on current information, this "relationship" is far from normal and can even be considered toxic.
Love is a journey of both sweetness and pain, with arguments and stumbling blocks being normal. However, it mostly involves companionship, understanding, and growth.
If you find yourself exhausted and constrained in this relationship, feeling trapped like a caged animal, knowing something is wrong but unable to break free, then you need to be cautious about whether you have fallen for a "toxic lover" and are stuck in a "toxic relationship" quagmire.
What does a toxic relationship look like? How can you tell if you've made a bad choice in a partner?
"Toxic lovers" bring about "toxic relationships," so identifying a "toxic lover" is the first line of defense against a "toxic relationship."
"Toxic lovers" are like mandrake flowers, alluring and mysterious, seemingly charming but hiding a deadly poison, much like vampires, appearing elegant but wanting to drain you.
Such "toxic lovers" typically exhibit the following three characteristics. If you notice these signs during the relationship, you need to be on high alert!
Unpredictable and elusive
"Toxic lovers" excel at the "carrot and stick" approach, showering affection one moment and turning cold and heartless the next, creating a vicious cycle.
This unpredictability makes it impossible for the partner to feel in control, leading them to self-blame: "Did I say something wrong? Did I not do well enough?"
As a result, the victim ends up shouldering the blame, hoping for the appearance of the partner's "better side" in the next moment.
So why do some people still choose to stay despite being treated this way?
It's because the torment of being "unpredictable" is painful, but the sudden kindness is a surprise and brings temporary joy.
Research in cognitive neuroscience has found that unexpected rewards trigger a surge in dopamine. Simultaneously, the anticipation and waiting for the next unpredictable but likely "reward" also lead to a continuous dopamine rush, reaching its peak when the "reward" is finally received.
Intermittent rewards and punishments create a mix of pain and pleasure, leading to a dilemma of "knowing they're terrible but feeling powerless to resist."
Each "good" moment is like a sweet treat, momentarily overshadowing past pain, while each "bad" moment is like a sharp knife, causing unbearable pain. However, the anticipation of the next "good" moment forces one to endure.
One-sided taking, minimal investment
Intimate relationships require mutual effort. However, "toxic lovers" often focus solely on themselves, disregarding their partner's efforts and feelings.
Establishing an intimate relationship with a "toxic lover" often leaves one feeling exhausted and disheartened because no matter how hard you try, you can never satisfy their endless needs and desires. When you need their support and care, they may turn a blind eye or show indifference.
Promises without actions
The third skill "toxic lovers" master is "fabricating the future." They excel at painting a rosy picture, weaving an appealing and enticing future blueprint to quash any thoughts of escape and suppress any rebellious impulses.
For example, they may promise marriage and a warm home or claim they will change for the better, loving only you.
However, these promises are often empty, lacking substantive actions and plans to support them. They may speak eloquently, but when it comes to practical implementation, they will find excuses to evade responsibility.
Common tactics of "poisoning"
"Toxic lovers" employ various manipulative tactics, but they often resort to a few common strategies to "poison" you:
The saying "love knows no reason, for it is of the heart" seems to perfectly capture the mystery and allure of romantic love. Throughout history, few have been able to resist the temptation of romantic love.
"Toxic lovers" exploit this weakness by idealizing you, bombarding you with sweet compliments, such as:
Claiming you are the first person to truly care for them, the most special presence in their life;
Portraying you as their ideal partner, unmatched and irreplaceable;
Filling their words with praise and admiration for you, expressing their appreciation generously;
Describing you as near perfection, making you believe you are the unparalleled presence in their heart, convincing you that you are their one and only.
With just sweet words, "toxic lovers" can make you feel deeply loved and obsessed, gradually breaking down your defenses and storming your fortress.
Some "toxic lovers" are adept at playing the victim. If they realize you are not easily swayed by romantic love, they may resort to sharing their past traumas and vulnerabilities with you, expressing their desire for a warm family in the future, all to gain your sympathy and pity. Therefore, if someone you've just met or recently gotten to know launches a strong attack or overly exposes their vulnerabilities to you, it's important to sound the alarm in your heart, open your eyes wide, observe more, listen more, and evaluate carefully.
Using "sweet bombs" to lure you into the "love trap" is the first goal of a "toxic lover," but getting you willingly and unresistingly controlled and exploited is the ultimate goal of a "toxic lover."
When a person's self-esteem hits rock bottom, they often easily fall into cognitive confusion, self-doubt, find it hard to maintain interpersonal boundaries and stick to their own position, giving the "toxic lover" an opportunity to exploit. Therefore, "diminishing" is often the second step of "poisoning" by a "toxic lover":
Once, everything you did was right, always so considerate and thoughtful, but now, you can't do anything right, not even simple household chores;
Once, everything about you was great, both outwardly and inwardly captivating me, but now, everything you do falls short, you can't even provide basic care;
...
Or perhaps:
Blaming you for only focusing on work and not spending time with them, while also belittling you for earning less and not being able to support both of you;
Complaining about being too far away and forced into a long-distance relationship, while finding various excuses to reject you from getting closer;
...
The "toxic lover" diminishes the other person through mockery, sarcasm, criticism, or ignoring, causing the victim to doubt themselves, lower their confidence, and even feel worthless:
Without them, I am nothing;
I only have them, without them, I will never find someone who loves me again;
It's because I'm not good enough, not trying hard enough, not doing enough.
After you obediently follow their orders, silently compromise, and willingly give your all, even if you politely express your hope for them to fulfill their promises, you may face their anger, indifference, neglect, blame-shifting, or even abandonment.
For example, not responding to messages, ignoring calls, cutting off communication, blocking you, disappearing without a trace, kicking you out, using excuses like incompatible personalities, suggesting it's better to part ways...
However, when you feel disheartened and want to let go of the relationship, the "toxic lover" will come back, starting a new cycle of "sweet bombardment," trapping you in the toxic cycle of "idealization-diminishment-abandonment," making it hard to escape.
If you find yourself in this cycle of emotional abuse, take action promptly, distance yourself from the toxic lover, and keep relevant evidence if necessary. In short, cutting off all ties with the toxic lover decisively is the most effective strategy to break free from toxic relationships.
Conclusion
Remember! Falling into a toxic relationship is not your fault, and finding it hard to leave is not because you are too weak! "Toxic relationships" come in many forms, often too hidden; and "toxic lovers" have many tricks, making it hard to discern.
The fundamental assumption of interpersonal relationships should be safety and trust, which are the cornerstones of building relationships with others. However, this can also lead us to let our guard down in interactions, giving "toxic lovers" an opportunity to gradually lead us into a negative relationship.
Therefore, learning to identify "toxic relationships" and "toxic lovers" requires us to stay vigilant, clearly define relationship boundaries, bravely express our feelings, and focus on our own needs.
References
[1] Stephanie Moulton Sarkis. "Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Practical Guide to Recovery from Psychological Abuse." Beijing: Machinery Industry Press, 2023.
[2] Carnes, P. (1997). "The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships." HCI.
[3] Ocklenburg, S. (2020). "Falling in Love with Someone You Shouldn’t." Psychology Today.
[4] Eboni J Baugh and Donna Davis. “Breaking out of Unhealthy Marital Interactions.” EDIS (2012).
[5] Denise Salin. “The Significance of Gender for Third Parties' Perceptions of Negative Interpersonal Behaviour: Labelling and Explaining Negative Acts.” (2011). 571-591.
